My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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