She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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