Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I want to be your penis for a week.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
