matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
