It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
