Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I fill condoms, not promises.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
