Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize