my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
