i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
did i walk over a car last night?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
