Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
