why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
