Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
