Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
