I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
