She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
