so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
