Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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