Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
