I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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