I wish I only lived at night.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
