I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
