I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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