Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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