You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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