Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
