Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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