He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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