As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
