Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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