you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
