Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
