I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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