to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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