Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
