I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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