i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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