He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We're too hungover to prance.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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