yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
