if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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