i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
