My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize