he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
