I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
