And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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