I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Its about making memories worth repressing
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
