Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
