I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
