theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
