so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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