Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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