I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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