my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
