I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize