last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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