he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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