He passed out mid-signature
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
